Conflict Resolution

Why is social development such a big deal and why all the emphasis on conflict resolution?

The areas of the brain that are in greatest development in the early childhood years (physical development aside!) are the areas that address social-emotional development and the areas from which communication occurs. We have a wonderful opportunity to help children optimize this critical brain development by providing an environment and relationships that emphasize communication and social emotional development.

Conflict resolution provides children with a structure (and we hope values system) that allows them to disagree in a productive manner. The LCC approach to conflict resolution meets best practices criteria.

Conflict is a naturally occurring process; a process by which two or more parties seek to prevail in terms of an action or a belief. Conflict is a healthy response to living amongst other people.

Our only concern about conflict is when conflict is mismanaged and/or results in inappropriate behavior. A heated exchange (which is often the way conflict is experienced) can lead to blows and unkindness of one sort of another. This is when we step in and apply our conflict resolution program.

Conflict resolution is a strategy that we use to help people work through the various steps inherent in conflict. Our conflict resolution is specific but flexible. We can use a variety of tools at each stage of the resolution (talk, write, draw, build, etc.)

The role of facilitator is simply to guide the involved parties through the process. The facilitator should avoid having an opinion or agreeing/disagreeing with the party’s ideas.

In our practice, we spend more time empowering the children involved in the conflict rather than focusing on the aggressors. We ask children to participate in telling aggressors how they feel and we insist that children participate in problem solving process. We find that helping the child speak up very quickly changes the power balance, as the aggressors realize that their actions will be acted upon.

The overriding purpose of our conflict resolution practice is to teach children a healthy tool for conflict management. We are less concerned with the outcome of any one resolution than we are with a child’s ability to engage in the process of resolving. This of course looks different at different ages and developmental stages. The range from a toddler’s ego-centrism and lack of verbal skills to our five year olds emerging empathy and reasoning skills is big. However, we scale the formula up or down depending on the kids we are working with.

Conflict resolution steps

  1. OBSERVE. Don’t step in unless facilitation is called for. Adults often step in too soon because conflict makes us uncomfortable and we want to protect our kids from these situations. Certainly if someone is going to get hurt - put yourself in between to stop hurtful actions, but if not - stay close by and observe to see if they can work it out themselves. You can comment after by stating what you saw, “You worked a long time on solving that problem, figured it out on your own, and now look at what you created together.”

  2. NAME IT!

    “Looks like there’s a problem here; you look angry, what’s up?”
    This is a critical stage for preschoolers. We use a variety of strategies to build an emotional vocabulary with young children throughout the day. Helping children learn to express HOW they feel is a key to many mental health related issues. Practice at home - stretch your own emotion vocabulary - are you pleased or impressed? Happy or ecstatic? Sad or miserable? Why help children explore these nuances in vocabulary? To name something is to categorize it, to be able to take it out of oneself and look at it. If I can name this, then we can talk about it and I am not so alone in my feelings. You can tell me if you have felt like this before.

  3. COLLECT THE PLAYERS. Sometimes conflict is really an individual’s dilemma. In this case, we simply work with the individual. If more than one play is involved, we would say, “Do you want to bring Fred here or shall we walk over to him?

  4. NEUTRALIZE ANY OBJECTS. The person touching the coveted item is the powerful one - the facilitator’s role is to even the power field. For example, “I’m going to hold this while we work it out.” Encourage breathing, allow space and time for cooling off.

  5. IDENTIFY THE PROBLEM/PLAYERS/FEELINGS.

    “Fred, tell Susan what you are mad about.” “Susan, how about you?”
    Children do this. The adult facilitates and helps non-verbal children express in other ways. Ask more, talk less. Consider using a variety of strategies: drawing, clay, dictation, feelings cards, etc.

  6. IDENTIFY AN APPROPRIATE PLACE TO WORK ON THE ISSUE.

    “Would it help if we went over to the table to talk about this?”
    Children need to feel safe. Provide a variety of tools to help kids practice conflict resolution skills (i.e. conflict caddy, peace table, etc). Don’t draw negative attention to the players (though others may wish to observe).

  7. RESTATE THE ORIGINAL PROBLEM. Have players do this if possible or adult help gives the words. Bathe children in an emotional vocabulary.

  8. GENERATE SOLUTIONS. Children do this when possible. Adult can give some options - “hmm looks like you are stuck…this has worked for others in the past…want to try?” Great time to call on local experts! (other children, peacekeeper, kid facilitators, a neutral adult, a character from a book.)

    At this stage, it’s important to make sure that all of the parties are coming up with idea, no matter how crazy the idea. The child that simply says “NO, NO, NO” may be using a powerful and uncooperative strategy. We insist that children give ideas. Sometimes we even call in other people to help generate ideas if the conflicting parties are stuck.

    “Ok, so you both wanted to use the trike and Fred wouldn’t get off. What are some ways you both could get what you want?”

  9. AGREE UPON SOLUTIONS. Or at least agree upon the compromise and actions that will take place. Allow children to fail (unless a safety issue). Ask if it is a win/win, a lose/win, or a lose/lose solution,

    You adults, keep your mouths shut here! If the children agree that Fred will ride 10 times and Susan 3 - then they agree. Fair is not what you think, it’s what they think!

    “Ok, so Fred will ride 10 times and Susan 3 - who will go first? Susan, does this feel okay to you? How about you Fred? Hey, you guys negotiated a solution that you both agree to!”

  10. PLAYERS CARRY OUT SOLUTIONS. When possible encourage the solution to be something the children can be in charge of themselves. If they say, “you can have it in 9 minutes” how will the children know when the time is up? Make it concrete and real for them, like 9 times around the circle…something they can count themselves.

  11. EVALUATE SOLUTIONS. In large and small groups through story telling, class meetings, making books to read to others. Avoid praise and focus on how the actions affected the different players. Let the conflictees discuss the resolution if they seem to need/want to or do this in a class meeting.

Other thoughts to keep in mind:

  • Think of problems to be solved rather than infractions to be punished.

  • Empower and focus on the victims.

  • Design some conflict resolution curriculum in your classroom and stock the environment with tools that children can use on their own.

  • Refer players to their past experiences or experiences of other children or yourself.

  • You may need to help speak for the non-verbal child. Consider alternative strategies for expression.

  • People’s experiences/age/learning style will influence how they respond to conflict.

  • Young children are eogcentric! Continue to refer players to others feelings and thoughts to help build empathy. It takes time and lots of practice.

  • Keep it short and simple and focused on the observable with young toddlers.

  • Avoid rescuing children from conflict. Try to see it as an opportunity instead of a disruption.